Lord of the Narnia

Fuck this shit! I WANTED to see Narnia, though I'll admit I probably wasn't thinking things through too clearly, as all I wanted was some good Tildage. I ignored (somewhat) the fact that this film had the potential to be a wretched piece of Christian propaganda. I went based on the many GLOWING reviews I read of the film - reviews that stated the religious element of the film are take it or leave it. I have one question for them. Well, okay, two questions:

"How could you?"

and

"How is father Christmas non religious?"

The first thing I said coming out of the film was, "Well, now we know where the $150 million budget went - to bribing the critics to write good reviews." Because really, it did not go to the production. Everything shimmers with the chrome glow of CGI, except of course for the frosty breath (which provided a graphic effects friend of mine a two week, time-and-a-half, four star stint in Guatemala). The movie on a whole felt more like a Frankenfilm - the more harrowing elements of LOTR (including, of course, the ENDLESS battle sequence), some Labyrinth (to try to make the creepies slightly less creepy)...in fact, watching Narnia you feel as though you've seen all of it somewhere else before. The white witch's castle even mirrors the castle in Conan: the Destroyer. The would be charming elements just come off bland. A beaver family drowns in the fact that they look so poorly digitized, any cute or cuddliness goes right out the window.

And I was there with the movie for the first half hour. Zooming right along, we're in Narnia 15 minutes into the film. Little Lucy is the first to discover the gas powered lamppost, which burns with antiquated zeal, but then, Tomnas the faun comes up and the poorly animated hooves make one begin to wonder... You start to distrust it when as punishment, the tall, blonde-haired, blue-eyed eldest son, Peter, punishes his younger, dark-haired brother, Edmund, for lying by making him wear a fussy women's coat. The crowded theater laughed. I did not.

The reason I am so livid about this film is its overall politic. It is the perfect Bush era propaganda film, and what's more, it is all defendible because, "it's faithful to the book." Well, the book was written in a fucked up time when blacks were segregated, women had no rights, homosexuals were mentally ill and it was funny to kill midgets, because it's not like they're real people. A wonderful time to return to? Many of the insane right wing fuck-wits who bought up all of the seats to opening day of Narnia think so. They must be shitting themselves knowing that children are going to see this - learn this - and believe this is what it normal, natural, right

It is natural that the tall, blonde-haired, blue-eyed eldest son should lead the just into battle while the women stay behind and tend to the sick - in full-on medieval dresses, no less. It is natural that all of the "good-guys" are strapping virile creatures that resemble the humans, or are at least the noblest of beasts, and the "bad-guys" are short, fat, ugly, awkward, deformed (my boyfriend objected to this claim, but I stand firm - cyclops?) creatures that in no way resemble a human or shifty animals like wolves. It is natural that a woman who wants to rule is an evil ice temptress who deserves to be killed because of her malicious femininity and maternal trickery. But really, the worst is the Christian element of the film - which is in NO WAY (fuck you Ella Taylor) take it or leave it! A golden lion sacrificing himself to the evil witch and her bastion of dark meanies only to be reborn because of the conviction he holds. And as he is reborn, the sun rises, casting everything in Golden Light and the pagan table upon which he was sacrificed cracks. The last half hour of the film shows our Aryan Eldest son in crusades get-up, slaughtering the forces of evil (i.e. those who do not believe in the word of Jesu... I mean, Aslan). This may be faithful to the book, but really, do we need to be exposing our children to this? Is it healthy to allow our children to take this film for granted?

Now I have stated that I only went to see the film for Tilda Swinton's white witch, but I was so morally offended by the film that even her ultra-campy final entrance (and really, what an entrance it is) with a golden helmet atop her white dreds, perched in her golden chariot drawn by snarling polar bears, though it did get a quick burst of laughter from me (and myself alone!?) I was so tainted by the horror of what I was watching that it was not even enjoyable to watch Tilda. Where she was campy fun in Constantine, the movie itself was so silly, throw-away that she was really the only reason to watch the film. Here, however, she lends her talents to a Christian propaganda vehicle, so instead of reveling in her, I just ended up betrayed that she would do such a film because she's smart enough to figure out what's going on. AND she's blue-blood. She doesn't need the paycheck that bad.

it would seem the only site to have enough balls (or to not be afraid of Disney) to give Narnia a bad review can be found here